Russian Dolls*

(*Not the Netflix show with the same name)

My therapist looked at me & said you have these walls up, you’re very reserved, do you know what you remind me of? Those Russian Dolls. You have a layer that you show to the world, another for close friends & loved ones, but what is that solid one in the middle like? I didn’t have an answer.

It’s an image that has really stuck with me. I’ve always love Matryoshka dolls (my maternal grandmother has some I coveted), with their bright colours, each one a slightly different version of the one before, getting smaller & simpler the closer to the middle you get. The central core totally different, solid wood, simplest of all. I agreed with her summation my protective shells, I present many faces, as we all do, some are necessary, professional work faces, faces for associates, for close friends, for lovers, & for family. I personally wouldn’t act the same around my close friends as I do my family, they don’t want to hear my dirty jokes or banter! So these layers are useful & protective. But what happens when these layers become thick, engrained, & inflexible, or you create so many you have no idea what your little core looks like anymore?

You try to peel away, to simplify the shells. To keep what you need & leave the rest. I’ve spoken about passions previously & this is related; I’m trying to find what my core self is like, removing expectations & ideas of how I should be or how I should fit in. I’m trying this by getting back to basics, by connecting with the enduring & meaningful passions in my life. By dreaming of an ideal life & making tiny incremental steps to move along that path.

I shaved back in my undercut at the weekend. Little steps.

 

Image from Google/Amazon