Notes from Therapy (6)

Control. An awesome movie & an equally fascinating topic.

In a world that is pretty unstable (2020 take an epic fucking bow) & changeable it is totally normal to try to exert some form of control on our environment or whatever we can.

You don’t need to do this in quite the extreme way I apparently do. I mean I hadn’t consciously realised this until talking to my therapist but it’s fairly obvious.

To be fair that is pretty much the whole premise of therapy.

I got my first tattoo when I was 19. It was a small butterfly on my hip (easy to hide), I would go on to occasionally state it was representative of the change & growth I was going through at the time. And it kinda was. But about 80% of the reason was it was pretty & small.

I went from that little one, to a tramp stamp (it was 2001, I Still like it), to more on my spine, ribs & wrists. Then a half sleeve, and (nearly) full sleeve, thigh pieces & more.

Why tattoos? To control my body, to make it pretty & beautiful. To adorn it with permanent art. To mark event, occasions, loves, inspirations. To make the one place in the world I have complete autonomy over even more mine.

For someone who has felt out of control of their life, & majorly fears being out of control getting stabbed by a needle millions of times feels like a decent compromise.

26th Mar 202120th Mar 2021 by darkmoonyoga

Notes from Therapy (5)

So, I’ve not posted for a couple of weeks, therapy isn’t always interesting or for public consumption. The last session was doing some art (sketching) so not something I can share – well I could but it was BAD art & I’m fairly precious about the art I put out in the world. So. No.

I’m working with my therapist mainly to process & recognise emotions at the mo, I’ve seen this chart before (below from Google, search for emotions wheel for your very own) but never really looked at it before. And I find it fascinating.

For me I find it easy to identify those emotions in the center of the ring, but the further out I find it more difficult, both in others & myself. This lack or misidentification can be for any number of reasons, trauma, lack of emotional intelligence, denial, fear round what these emotions bring up or mean.

We all want to be happy right? But what does that ACTUALLY mean? What kind of happy do you want to be or are lacking? What parts of emotions are easy for you, which do you struggle with?

For me, exploring this “want” brought up some major revelations around what I see happy as, where I want to be, & what I feel I’ve never really experienced. It was do something helpful for you too. Or not. The colours are pretty.

20th Mar 2021 by darkmoonyoga

Notes from Therapy (4)

So. The question I am about to ask will either:

A. Put you into a confused/silent/pensive place

B. Be totally fine

I fall into the A category, just FYI.

The question is “What do you want?” As open ended or closed as you want, you can interpret this however. You may instantly reply pizza (I mean I ALWAYS want pizza so this is a valid choice) or you may not have a bloody clue.

I want you to sit with that question, if meditation is part of your practice maybe use it as a prompt or focus. You can use this question to get in touch with your immediate needs (I want a glass of water, I want to nap, I really want to hoover that rug) or consider your wider, longer term goals.

What do you want? I find it hard to answer. I have to sit with it, silent & considering. I often focus so much on others, on being “good” I truly have little connection to my self. I working on paying attention to myself. What do I want? Stability, a home, to be settled & quiet.

I think it is a good want.

5th Mar 202126th Feb 2021 by darkmoonyoga

Notes from Therapy (3)

It’s always a good day when your therapist tells you your jumper is awesome, I mean she isn’t wrong – this week I was wearing my Little Mermaid Christmas jumper. They’re for every season people, well apart from when it is hot.

What is your capacity like? Do you even consider your capacity at all before you take on anther task, volunteer to help at your kids school, or add another course to your to do pile? Awareness of our capacity or ability to deal with tasks, is key to managing our stress levels. Adding & adding until you burn out, feel like a failure for not juggling 4970 things, is not healthy.

In case you were wondering.

Taking a step back before saying yes is a super important skill.

I’m shit at it.

A major issue we’ve identified so far is my desire to people please, & we’re not just talking being regularly polite & nice. We’re at the level of sublimating your own needs & desires for others to keep the peace, avoid conflict or “drama”. So I’m working on that by reading, pausing & considering. It’s hard.

But any change is hard. Particularly if it is something you’ve done your entire life. It took you a life time to build these habits, it’ll take a while to break them down. Identifying an issue or something you want to change is a huge step forward. Be easy with yourself, remember movement forward, however tiny that step is, is forward motion.

26th Feb 202118th Feb 2021 by darkmoonyoga

Notes from Therapy special addition – self care

When I talk about Self Care, what does it mean to you?

It’s become a million pound (under statement of the decade) industry. But at it’s core it is super important, you actually need to look after yourself. It is not selfish.

It is vital to your ability to function.

When I talk about self care I’m not just talking about bubble baths & fancy candles (though these can be a lovely part of your practice), I’m talking about going to therapy, taking your medication, drinking a glass of water, taking a shower, walking outside, appreciating the moon, calling a friend, going to the cinema (solo or with others), cutting out that toxic friend, sending that scary email or having an actual rest day.

**Discussion of depression & depressive symptoms, if your sensitive to this maybe skip the rest of this post

If you’re like me you may feel guilt around rest, something I’ve discovered through therapy recently is my neagtive association with rest. When my depression is super bad all I want to do is sit in bed, do nothing at all, which makes that horrid nagging depression voice tell me I’m bad, lazy & pathetic. Which makes me feel MORE depressed & less likely to do anything, & on & on in an endless cycle. So in my brain I see resting (properly, sitting, doing nothing at all, recharging the batteries) as a bad thing, it is strongly associated with feeling depressed or low. I have to be constantly “doing”; reading while watching tv, writing, scrolling social media etc etc. All at the same time. I am constantly over stimulated to avoid this feeling of rest/depression.

Breaking these associations is super hard. But recognising them is the first step, so I need to work on resting for resting sake. I’m reading for 30mins an evening before bed each day, simply reading, nothing else. It’s a wee step in the right direction. How do you view self care or rest? Do you feel lazy or selfish?Can you begin to break down these assocations & recognise it as vital?

Another tip – make a list of 20 self care things you can do, simple or complex, that take a couple of mins to perform or a couple of days (so opening the door & smelling the air versus going on a trip to your favourite city) so when you’re feeling stuck or struggling you have an easy reference guide for what makes you feel good.

23rd Feb 202120th Feb 2021 by darkmoonyoga